Have you got what it takes?
The Appternet is a fast-moving business with high demands on usetainability, edutisement and abusial networking. We at data_Gubbe are a merry crew of highly skilled Software Auteurs that work hard and party hard, cherishing fun, community and half-baked get rich quick schemes above all.
Perhaps you found our riddle on that one ostensibly in-group web community that makes you feel like you're better than others when in fact it's open to everyone? If you managed to solve it, you have now realized the resulting link leads to the same page we use for all our recruitment, but you're probably really smart and we think you could be one of us!
Just how cool are we?
- We work only with the very latest technologies, frameworks and languages. At least that's what we claim and it doesn't matter if there's zero correlation to our actual product: we're so deeply entrenched in our lie, we've moved beyond buzzwords. It's purely functional Web Assembly all the way to the core neural network running the heart of what's essentially an imageboard with nicer design.
- Our development toolchain is exclusively open source. This naturally doesn't apply to our own product, because we love money. However, we do encourage all our employees to give back to the FOSS community - they just have to do it on their own free time. We're not completely stupid.
- One of our VP:s will incessantly drop thinly veiled hints about his extensive use of Ayahuasca. You both know it's just a desperate attempt at augmenting his basic bitch namaste spirituality with ritualized vomiting, but you're still expected to consider him intellectually superior for regularly taking a drug readily available to any moron with the right kind of money.
- Meanwhile, you're required to sign our draconian anti-drug policy. Please leave a urine sample by the door when leaving.
Are you up for the following?
- A lengthy recruitment process which will take up significant amounts of your spare time, except for the interviews. We always interview on prem and during office hours.
- IQ tests and bizarre questions designed to trap you in logical cul-de-sacs while simultaneously having nothing at all to do with programming or relevant domain-specific knowledge.
- Hardcore algorithmic home assignments, masterfully selected solely for their quality of almost never occuring in actual professional settings.
- Testing your aptitude in a wide variety of concepts with either A) no real bearing on the work you'll be doing, or B) extremely little value outside academia, but which we've determined will up our nerd cred if you ever speak about interviewing with us. Hope you like writing Vulkan in lambda calculus!
- Parsing endless amounts of corporate jargon and platitudes when desperately trying to find some small piece of information pertaining to what this job opening is really about or even what we as a company actually do.1
Then you're probably a perfect match for the following!
- Piling more haphazard solutions onto our already giant technical debt, to meet a deadline we ourselves made up in order to force yet another gratuitous product redesign down the throats of our users.
- No actual algorithmic programming whatsoever.
Join us today!
Grow with us! Come make an impact! Change society for good! Have fun while working with your passion! Stock options available! IPO right around the corner! Current company value estimated at a bunch of old laptops, a Nespresso machine and the founder's personal stash of Depends!
Don't just shape the future. BE the future! data_Gubbe - where dreams take flight.
1 Ads. We do ads. Well, if you want to be generous. In reality, we use our overhyped app to sneak up people's backsides with a microscope and gather their innermost desires so we can sell them to the highest bidder. Don't worry, it's all in the EULA they legally agreed to by breathing.